Conflicting thoughts

I love living in the country....I really do. The mornings come earlier and more completely as the sun is allowed to ascend without any obstructions and fills my window. Cattle-filled pastures, fields, graveled roads and rolling bluffs surround me, bringing a rural diversity to each view. A dog is not just a pet but a guard, a walking companion, a confidante, a friend. Kittens come and go through the cycle of life, with each new birth still a wonder and every loss mourned. Birds serenade the dawn and twilight and the ending of a day is celebrated with a triumphant blast of color across the sky. Combines, tractors and pickup trucks frequent the roads with a wave from every passer-by and flying dust introduces their appearance as well as follows on their heels like a brown cloud. I sit on the small John Deere mower, roughing the bumps, turning the corners as I watch in wonder the beautiful world around me. My own little corner.

And I think about what lies beyond these fields and pastures.

A plane flies overhead and I wave like an idiot, knowing that if they see me at all I'll appear as a lunatic who has lost her mind after being plopped down in the middle of nowhere. Who is up there...where are they going? Are they wondering or thinking, searching...dreaming? Does their life make perfect sense and when they land, will it be amongst family and friends or in the midst of loneliness and confusion?

I've always felt that there is something "out there" that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm content in my life. I love my family. I find satisfaction in what I do and who I am. Yet....there is an impatience and frustration in the feeling that I slipped off the dock before I made it to the boat. The lifeboat carries me well with those I love surrounding me. And I am thankful, knowing I am blessed more than most. But the boat is still out there and I can't shake the feeling that its side is painted in brilliant letters with my name. There is plenty of room for all, but for the first time....I get to be the captain.