Sometimes I wonder if my blog is a lie.
Everything I’ve ever written here is absolutely true….and everything is mine: every thought, every feeling, every word.
The falsehood doesn’t come with what I’ve said, but from what has been held back.
This last year I’ve experienced more pain than I have at any other point in my life. Some parts have been devastating, leaving me angry and hurt. I’ve often felt as if I’d been picked up in a whirlwind then dropped in the middle of nowhere, stunned, bruised, lost. I didn’t share that part of my life here for several reasons: If I didn’t put the circumstances “out there”, maybe it wasn’t really true; I am somewhat a private person and sharing the hurt made me uncomfortable; the pain I felt left me like a wounded animal who simply wanted to be left alone; and….I felt like a failure.
I have another journal that takes its shape in an inexpensive composition notebook. There is something cathartic about putting pen to paper….and this is where these thoughts reside. Inside its cover there is pain and fear. There is uncharacteristic angry and there is sadness. But I’ve also noticed a recent turning of my heart. Over the months I’ve seen the strength return; a perseverance that is winning over the heartbreak because I realize every day is a gift. All of my life I’ve been able to look ahead just enough to see where it is I’m going. I’ve been fortunate that most of that path has been sunlit. I understand now there are no reassurances about tomorrow, there are no foolproof plans. It’s been difficult knowing that on this new journey, there is no map. And then I realize… there never really was.
So has this been a lie by omission? Perhaps. But the truth is this: despite it all, I’ve had a wonderful life filled with wonderful family and friends. I am blessed with love and faith and a heart that still believes in the goodness of people. There is much ahead of both sorrow and joy, but I choose to walk into the sunlight. Because for me, it’s the only choice there is.
3 comments:
Ah, Lori... I don't think an online blog is meant to show the whole truth. There are some things that you're just not ready for the whole world to see, some that are too personal to be put out there ever, and some parts of our journey also include tidbits about the lives of others that we can't really share with the public. There are pieces of my story that will never be online, as we know there are of yours.
Your blog shows your quiet strength, your faith in God, your love of all things beautiful, including your two kids. Those are the important things. Those things, not difficult circumstances and open wounds, show your heart of hearts.
You are graceful and gracious, Lori. I pray you have continued happiness and much less pain.
Lori, You have written from your heart and that is important for healing. Keeping a journal is a great idea; I have been journaling for over 10 years. Sharing with the whole wide world isn’t always necessary and I think it’s best to share what you want and if you want. I know you will make it through this extremely difficult time.
BTW, I love your hairstyle in your profile photo; you look amazing!
It has been 23 years since I was in the same position as you are... it takes time to work through all these emotions and some will never really go away. But... God is good and you speak of life as a gift. I recently read a book called 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. In it she took a dare to count the gifts... to really number the thanksgiving and found herself drawing closer and closer to God.
I have always had the problem with fear.. of failure, of ... well, a lot of things. Since I have started looking for all the gifts of God... even the simple and seemingly trivial ones... it begins to crowd out the fear. You can't be afraid when you are being thankful...
I highly recommend the book and her website as well... www.aholyexperience.com.
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