Crush

Upon opening a wrapper on a piece of Valentine's chocolate, I found the above message. Immediately my thoughts went back to 4th grade.

His name was Jon Nelson and I thought he was the cutest boy I had ever seen. He was completely tow-headed with a spattering of freckles across a button nose. Like me, he was very shy, so even though we sat beside one another at the front of the classroom, we seldom spoke.

I remember helping him make a "light bulb lady" as an art project and sharing a photo album with him that I'd brought from home. And I can still see him and his best friend, Tony (an ornery, exuberant child) in front of the class, sharing the story of drinking pickle juice while on one of their adventures! Funny, the things that stick in our minds.

The summer before my 5th grade year, I moved away.....and I never saw him again. I heard that he got into drugs and turned wild once he got into high school. And my heart broke just a little. Yet, he stayed young in my mind: a 10-year-old wrapped in innocence with bright, blue eyes and a big grin.

He would be 45 years old now. Perhaps a husband and father. Hopefully a loving and caring person who outgrew a teenage rebellion and went on to be a successful, responsible adult. I wonder if he remembers the little brown-eyed girl who sat beside him in 4th grade, trying her best not to let him see how she adored him.

Remember my first crush? How could I forget.
God bless you, Jon. Wherever you may be.

JOY

I read a book many years ago called Joy Begins With You. It is a treasure of wisdom through stories of the everyday; ordinary moments seen in an extraordinary way...and stepping outside of the box to view life as it was meant to be seen.

I watch my teenagers who still enjoy the last physical remnants of their childhood, yet who celebrate their internal youth through laughter, lightness, living. They don't care how they may look to others in their child play, but revel in the wonder of the moment.

Joy is more than being happy in a situation or during a particular time in our lives. It is a state of being; an inner peace and contentment that fills us up so completely that it can't help but burst the seams, spreading to everyone around us. It is seeing the goodness in the world, and choosing to spend our time around positive people and situations. It is turning our backs on gossip and only embracing things that make us better and more loving people. And it is taking the child within us by the hand and allowing it to make play within our hearts.

Circumstances often find us and situations come our way. We can chart our course through still waters, yet find ourselves tossing upon turbulent waves. We cannot choose every situation, but in every situation we can learn.

Choose optimism when a choice is given, find laughter on a cloudy day. Don't wait for flowers to be delivered to your doorstep, but instead go out and pick your own lovely bouquet.

Joy does begin with us. How lucky we are!

Kitty Heart

We call her "Little Bit" because she was born the runt of the litter. She struggled to come into this world, assisted by my husband, and her first few days were tentative. But from the beginning she was a fighter who let it be known that she meant business, especially when it came to food!

She has always carried a little white heart between her eyes and I thought it only fitting that she be displayed on the day we celebrate St. Valentine.

Much love and joy to you all - Happy Valentine's Day!

Ten Months of Memories

On April 3, 2006 a lightning strike took out our computer, leaving us without the internet for nearly a year. At first, I was at a loss; frustrated that I couldn't write from the comfort of my own home and lacking for time when I did have access to a computer. As the months ticked by, my frustration lessened as I focused on all of the wonderful things going on in my life. And it was a blessed few months indeed. This unplanned hiatus was a lovely time, adding to a life already overflowing with joy. Here, my friends, is a glimpse....

A wedding......my stepdaughter, a beautiful bride. Everything in black and white...candles and white lights...

promises...

tears...

laughter...

love.





An 8th grade graduation.
My son, nearly a head taller....his perpetual grin...standing at the podium as Salutatorian.
Voice, strong...values, unwavering.
He's growing up fast...I love him so.







Wasn't it just yesterday she was playing with dolls and pretending to be Wilbur's beloved 'Fern' from Charlotte's Web? She turned 17 in July; a young lady now, front and center surrounded by people who adore her.


Two new sheep - Edwardo and Estavahn.
An FFA project....they cannot be kept.

A summer filled with lessons.
Tolerance
Patience
Understanding
Firmness
Responsibility
Showmanship

Then finally...letting go.







A pair of new contacts and suddenly, his looks have changed.

Where a boy stood just weeks before, a young man emerges.
His smile remains constant, his heart loving.

But how I'd forgotten what pretty eyes he has!











Another town fair. The smell of hamburgers and pork loin. A parade down main street.
Music and laughter. Swings and the Sizzler. And RAIN. Lightning dancing across the sky. Water tower against timber wolf gray. Young hearts jumping puddles and enjoying the coolness against their cheeks. Soaked hair and jeans, but smiles regardless. It's the fair, afterall!





A new baby....
Master Jason Thomas...

A bundle of sweetness and new life.
A grandson.

Tiny hands and feet. Soft cheeks and new love.
A precious gift...a treasure.














A visit back "home".....a place we felt so loved.

Another dance with old friends,

Growing up, growing lovelier.













A beautiful autumn wedding.
Blue skies against golden leaves.

My darling niece, her devoted husband...a time of immense love and joy...a perfect day.

Dancing with my son...
Dancing in life.











Thanksgiving Day, 2006. Gathering at my sister's house...all but six. It's hard to get everyone together at one time! But we learned my brother would be coming home for Christmas, making the trip from Seattle. Another reason to celebrate. Another reason to feel blessed.


And then it was Christmas...our best in many years.
An old-fashioned play and carolers...a tour of a historical hotel.
Visiting homes, a progressive dinner.
Decorating, lights, shopping, wrapping.
Christmas Day at Mom and Dad's......celebration here.
A new stocking to hang this year...



New Year's Eve at my brother's home. Grandchildren celebrating with Nan and Pop....and at the stroke of midnight, a Happy Anniversary to my parents. Fifty-eight years!
Then just before the switch came on, illuminating the computer screen with access to the world, my daughter walked across the gymnasium floor on the arm of a handsome young man: the junior class candidate for Homecoming.

She never fails to amaze me with her class and grace, and her beautiful smile belies the fact that she is nervous to be in front of so many people.


So there it is....my year in review. And though at times it felt like I was missing out on the world as it scooted on by, I realize now that was hardly the case.

There is a lesson learned from everything that happens, and in all that we do. How blessed I am to have had mine so beautifully wrapped.

Back in the Saddle

Like the familiarity of leather beneath the cowboy, I once again take up residence at the keyboard from the haven of my home to put together thoughts of my past and ponderings of my everyday life.

It feels good to be back in a comfortable place, where words can flow upon the screen and photographs tell the stories of the view from my window.

Time is short this evening, but opportunity once again knocks.

Finally.....I am back.

Just Away

The blank page before me seems somewhat intimidating now; a place where I once felt so at home. Though the hiatus was not really one of my choice, I've accepted that it is what it is...and that eventually thoughts will flow again and I will be back on the front porch of my life, soaking in the sunshine and absorbing the view over the horizon.

But for today, here are the snippets of my mind as the New Year gets under way:

*This was one of the best Christmas' we've had in years...
*My brother being home from Seattle was one of the reasons why.
*Though it is January and I know a winter storm lies ahead, there is something spring-like in the air today...
*My son grew 7" this last year....I'm hoping there'll be no repetition of that!
*I become a hermit when we're out of school for too long, and I love that respite with my family.
*I don't make resolutions, but I resolve to make some changes.
*A break-up is tough on a teenage girl's heart. It's hard when your children get to the age where a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a kiss don't fix their hurts.
*I love the quietness in this room, when I am all alone.
*We are still surrounded by Christmas at our house...and I'm not in a hurry to take it all down. It truly was a lovely time...
*I pray for the family in the southern part of our state whose daughter is missing...and despite the outlook, hope she is all right.
*The loud cheering of a basketball game is down the hall and 15 minutes away...
*I'm so glad I don't have to work tonight and that I can just be "Mom".
*I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.
*I'm confused by those who love having drama in their lives. I abhor it when anything disturbs the gentle flow of mine.
*I wonder if anyone ever comes here anymore, and wish I had opportunities to connect like I used to.
*I will get there.
*I ate too many sweets over the holidays.
*But it sure was great!
*Time goes so quickly when I'm doing something I enjoy.
*I ponder this: "Live your life so that those who know you, but don't know God, come to know God, because they know you."

Until next time...and may that be soon...

Thanksgiving Wishes

"Over the meadow and through the woods,
To Grandmother's house we go.
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh
Through the white and drifting snow.
Over the meadow and through the woods,
Trot fast my dapple gray,
Race over the ground like a hunting hound
For this is Thanksgiving Day!"

How those words resonate in my mind as the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us. This has always been our family's big holiday; the one day that we're all together with no other obligations. I have sweet memories of grandparents and babies... music and laughter.....when the stuffing was forgotten in the oven and the turkey wishbone made its appearance after dinner....of walks to the spring for family photographs and always, lot of love. This year will be no exception as we gather at my sister's house to celebrate our blessings, one of which is our beautiful mother who will turn "80" on Saturday.

Wishing you a wonderful and safe holiday, filled with all that you love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Accidental Falsehood

What is it they say about the best laid plans?

I was talking to a friend this evening and told her that I felt guilty. She asked, "Why?" and I replied, "Because I'm a woman. And that's what we do!"

I have felt badly because I said I'd be writing...and so far that hasn't materialized. After many months of anticipation, we finally got a new computer....but we don't yet have the internet. It may be a few more weeks before I can actually get back to where I'd like to be. But in all honesty, even if we'd had access at home the past couple of weeks, my site would - as the Christmas song says - "In solemn stillness lay."

I've been working 12-hour days to save money for Christmas. Even though in everything that counts, our family is rich, it would be nice to have some special gifts underneath the tree this year. It seems that no matter how many hours I work, the neccessities of life have a way of gobbling things up before I get a chance to explore the nicities. But with any luck things will hold out while Mrs. Claus helps Santa, and the new year will bring blessings with a smaller price tag.

It's been a long tunnel, but I never doubted the brightness on the other side. Don't give up on me.....I promise I'm still here.

Greetings

It has been a beautiful Autumn; an eventful Autumn. Time has skirted by like the last fall leaves dancing beside me along the roadway. Thoughts are turning to Thanksgiving, and Jack-O-Lanterns are replaced with russet cornucopias, spilling pumpkins and colorful berries. With the coming of Earth's restful hiatus, I feel energized and alive.

Though I have been without words these past few weeks, my thoughts are ever present. I will soon be writing again, anticipate it with joy and have much to share.

Life is so very good. How could I ever doubt it?

Pennies from Heaven

A couple of years ago I read a story about an upcoming businessman who was taking a prospective and wealthy client to dinner. On their way into the restaurant the well-to-do gentleman stooped to pick up a penny from the ground, paused for a few moments, head bowed, then continued on with the evening. The young businessman was perplexed. Why would someone with so much money be bothered with a simple penny? Halfway through dinner he could stand it no more.

"Why, if I may ask, would you stop to pick up a penny?" he asked. "Surely it is nothing in itself and hardly worth the effort. Why even bother?"

The wealthy man smiled. "Ah, but don't you see?" he replied. "Every penny has a message: 'In God We Trust'. Whenever I see one, no matter where I am, I pick it up and pause a moment to say a prayer. I feel it is a message sent down from God to stop me in my tracks and remind me to put my trust into what - and who - is important."

Ever since I read that story, I see a dropped penny so differently. I can no longer pass by one without picking it up. Sometimes I pause briefly to offer a quick prayer of thanks, yet there are times when I stop completely to listen for the message I am meant to hear. It's interesting how I often seem to find them during difficult times and in unexpected places....and they always stop me in my tracks. Perhaps they truly are reminders that I am never alone and that there is always someone to turn to whom I can trust.

People are like pennies. There are millions of us on this earth, circulating at any given time and place. To view us from afar we may appear insignificant and common. But we each hold value. We, too, can carry a message through our words, actions and deeds that can stop people in mid-stride and help them learn about faith; about holding on to what - and who - they are meant to. I suspect that the true wealth of the gentleman in that story went far beyond the monetary.

Pick up the pennies along the roadway of your life, stop for prayer..... and trust. Then see how rich you truly are.

The Women of October

October has always been special to me; russet pumpkins on haybales, Indian corn and golden leaves against an azure backdrop. It is fitting that this is also the month of my birthday, a day that has grown more into a moment of reflection than a time of celebration. So many woman have shared this road with me. Some I have known for many years and others are new travelers who I've enjoyed sharing this path with. So today I pay tribute to some of the extraordinary women in my life; women who share this birth month...the women of my October.

Karen - You are the little girl I held upon my knee, a pixie face surrounded by fitting tresses of auburn. You came into my life during happy years when I was young and the world was still new and lay before me. You have grown into a lovely young woman whose voice is angelic and pure, charting your way on this journey through the college years. How good it is to see you making such wise and lasting choices and how thrilled I am to be called "aunt". (October 2nd)

Christie - One of my first friends of the early marriage years. When I think of you I see a smiling face; a radiance that glows from within. I miss your brightness and energy and the talks that we used to share. You have taken a courageous step, a selfless step that allowed your family to remain intact and I admire you for that. Where did those years go when we were young wives and mothers and so sure of all that lay ahead? (October 6th)

Ava - Did I ever thank you for all the wonderful things you gave me? Being there when my daughter was born and worrying right along with my family.... Standing beside me when I felt lost and powerless.... Supporting my decision to be a stay-at-home mom when you were a career mother yourself, and letting me know that you thought I was doing a wonderful job. You never judged me, but always saw the goodness. How I wish we lived closer... (October 7th)

Kris - Where do I even begin? We have been friends since we were just 15, sharing silliness as high school students - small town and country girls who were really quite different, but somehow the same. You have been a rock for 30 years, never wavering in your friendship, a constant no matter how hard the wind has blown. You live in the city where the world turns faster and holds more things. And though our worlds are different, our hearts remain the same as if time somehow stopped and we are forever young. You have loved me through it all, through every step and I cherish our friendship now more than ever. (October 8th)

Doris - I have yet to figure out why my husband holds you at an arm's length. You have been nothing but kind to me since I married him, and though I take a second seat in his life and heart, you treat me as if there had been no one else. Your thoughtfulness to my children means so much to me and your generosity and perserverance is much admired. You put up with a lot and deserve so much more. I applaud you for moving ahead and for staying strong. (October 8th)

Barbara - Though I've known you for nearly ten years now, really I barely know you at all. The love that your son and I shared at one time was powerful and real and some of the most beautiful moments in my life. You stood by and watched us struggle, helping us when we asked and yet, knowing when you had to simply stand back and let us find our own way. Our paths eventually forked into different directions and you allowed us the space to see it through to that point. I wish I had your strength, wisdom and faith for it shows in how you treat others. (October 15th)

Helen - What a path that was made between your house and ours! Your daughter was one of my best childhood friends and my time spent with your family was priceless. You were always so calm and understanding, welcoming me as if I was one of your own. I remember those trips to our house during tornado season and all the things you and Mother sewed for us girls. I'll never forget our graduation presents (!) nor all those memories made on our front porch. Can I be 17 again? (October 16th)

Tracy - We were three years apart in school; years that can be a chasm at that point in a girl's life. But we became friends immediately and I cherish that sweet time. Who would know that your brother and my sister would eventually marry? We shared songs and trials and days of laughter and joy. You were the precious little sister that I never had, a true friend and the very epitome of what a Christian should be. (October 19th)

Andrea - My husband's beautiful daughter, you are a complete joy. Your laughter is contagious and your thoughtfulness, endearing. You have embraced me into your heart when it would have been just as easy to dismiss me. I would never try to take your mother's place; a woman who left this world too early and whom I know, you adored. Thank you for giving me a chance and for allowing me to be a part of the loveliness that is your life. (October 25th - Happy Golden!)

Lyndsee - How can you be getting married in 2 weeks? Just a few years ago you were a little brown-eyed girl who held my hand and let me practice at being a mother. The first grandchild, my oldest niece, you are irreplaceable in my heart. Forgiving and fun, you are the sparkle in our household. You will always be dear and young, a tulip of color on a prairie of sunflowers. How blessed I am to be your "Ya Ya". (October 30th)

Happy Birthday to you all. May many years of sweetness, joy and blessings await us!

Pondering Twilight...

An old, but favorite photograph.
Whiskers eventually climbed down off that pole and frolicked away into the tall prairie grasses; a gypsy cat who after seeing this view set out to see what else the world had to offer. You go, girl....

Questions and Answers

Within my eye's view lies a busy highway; a road that leads both north and south, bringing travelers up from Texas and Oklahoma and down from Nebraska, the Dakotas, and Canada.
The path I take to get there is made of fine, brown dirt; soft and velvety beneath bare feet, the kind that drifts upward like cocoa chiffon with every step. It is a road just wide enough for one vehicle, where wildflowers and Johnson grass sway gently on either side.
I walk across the overpass and look out over the speeding traffic; tires upon asphalt overpowering the shuffle of my sneakers, the faithful blue healer by my side.
And I wonder....
Where are they going and where have they been? Are they happy about their destination or dreading its arrival? Do they see me, too, standing above them...and wonder the same things?

Sometimes I feel envious. The smooth ride of a new SUV passes underneath me and heads north; perhaps going into the city where there is art and music and diversity. It's shiny paint tells that it has never traveled dusty country roads and the illumination from its DVD reminds me of all the things I cannot give my own family. A sportscar zooms by, its driver hurrying across my stretch of prairie so he can get back to his comfortable world of neon lights and expensive food.
I think of all the places I want to go, and all the places I never will. My heart feels restless and my mind wanders to what might have, could have been. There are question for myself, yet no certain answers as I contemplate life from another view.

Then I turn to look across the horizon...and there is home. Home, where the light burns through my lacey curtains. Home, where the music of laughter rings against the walls. Home, where my children know me...and like me anyway, and where my husband waits with unconditional love. Home, where the treasures of my life are fixed in memories built there and memories waiting to be. My footsteps quicken westward down the hill as it beckons. And though the longings of another world follow on my shirt tail, they're shaken loose as I open the door to all that matters and know without a doubt, where I belong.

Choosing Breathless

"Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take,

But by the moments that take your breath away."

In 1999 my entire family traveled by car to Grand Lake, Colorado to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. During the second day of travel, my 9-year-old nephew asked his mother, "When is our vacation going to start?"

"It already has," she replied. "This is the vacation!"

How often do we simply get through our days on our way to somewhere else? We look forward to the weekends...holidays...vacations...thinking that the big moments are the defining points in our lives. We want the momentous, memorable, important to happen so that we can mark our journey with red flags of accomplishment and wondrous times.

But life is a journey....and the journey is our life. It's sometimes easy to think that nothing is happening, that there must be something else to it all, somewhere else that we are meant to be. We forget that what we have is all we have; that in order to have moments that take our breath away we have to notice the beauty along the pathway instead of looking ahead for the magnificent view.

We all have breathless moments, signatures upon our biography that lead us to see the extraordinary in the ordinary.

*Being alone on top of Coronado Heights and seeing it in different lighting.

*A hug from someone I adore.

*Listening to music that unexplainably touches me.

*Walking down a dusty country road with twilight on my heels.

*A certain look from my husband.

*Having a bobcat, deer, raccoon come out of the brush, allowing me to view it close up.

*A gift out of the blue.

*A sincere compliment.

*Candlelit services on Christmas Eve.

*Sitting around a campfire with my family.

*Sunsets on the edge of my back yard.

*Fireworks on the Fourth of July.

*Dancing in a gazebo during a rainstorm.

*Riding a bike downhill, the wind in my hair.

*An unexpected letter from a dear friend.

*The brilliant display of Autumn.

*An "I Love You" from the heart.

It isn't how far you travel down the pathway at all, but simply what you see - and how you choose to see it - along the way.

In everyday, in some form or another, seize the moments that take your breath away and leave an indelible mark upon the tablet that is your life.

Passing Thoughts

On this cozy, rainy evening as I sit at the computer in my husband's office...these thoughts go through my head:

* Tomorrow is my dad's 79th birthday...and he is still a vibrant, happy, loving man who fills our lives and hearts.
* The county fair is over with sheep shown and sold. Another learning experience in my daughter's life.
* I love the idea of having an office like this....and miss having one of my own.
* Actually, I miss my old job.
* I'm praying for my friend, Bev, who is going through a difficult time. I miss her, too.
* My son's new contacts change his appearance so much. As is typical for a boy his age, he's growing away from me - in the way he's supposed to - and I'm trying to respect his space.
* I'm not sure if I'm ready for school. It isn't school itself that gives me pause, but all the "stuff" that accompanies it.
* I wish I could meet some of my finances through my writing and photography. Surely Oprah needs something I can do!
* Vanilla Diet Cokes from Sonic aren't a necessity of life, but they come awfully close!
* My niece is getting married in October. Life is going too quickly!
* I love my husband very much.
* I wonder how much longer my car will keep going. But it's running proof that prayer works!
* I feel far away from my stepdaughters right now.
* The rain feels and sounds so good in the midst of this dry, hot summer.
* I really want my daughter to have a good school year. She's too hard on herself.
* My hubby's computer chair is really comfortable!
* I miss corresponding with my blogger buddies.
* I think I must have the absolute best family in the whole world.
* I don't deserve all the blessings I've been given, but I'm so thankful for them.
* I should probably start doing some Christmas shopping.
* I miss having a front porch.
* I'll be 45 on October 17th. Wasn't I just 25 last year??
* I appreciate a clean school 1,000 X more after working this summer.
* I told my daughter that the buyers at the fair would load up all the sheep and take them to a lovely meadow where they would frolic and play. Of course we both knew it was in jest, but it was a nice thought anyway!
* I probably need to air up my back tire before I go into school tomorrow.
* And then there's that laundry....
* I really want to paint some of the rooms in our house. Color...more color...
* I'd like to have a week where I don't have anything to do but scrapbook.
* I love all of the beautiful necklaces, bracelets and earrings they have in the stores right now....being a girl is so much more interesting!
* Most women I know are really strong. I think we have to be.
* It seems like all of our rains are torrential. I remember when I was little, going outside underneath an umbrella and walking barefoot through the rain. We don't have those gently falling rains anymore...
* I hope all of our kitties at home are safe and dry.
* My husband has the best laugh.
* Tomorrow is another day. Aren't we lucky?

Catching Up

It seems like just last week I was packing up my classroom notebooks and trading it for a bucket filled with Terminator. It's been a tiring, hot summer....but it really has gone quickly. A usual summer finds me at home, relaxing with the kids and catching up on everything that has slipped by me during the school year. But these three months have been less of a hiatus, and though I typically am not ready to begin the academic craziness, this year I'm anticipating those first few days of challenge for my mind, giving my body a rest.

I have missed writing...and I have missed you all. I had planned to write things out longhand at home, then type them on the computer here at school during my lunch breaks. And though the thoughts were many and constantly playing out in my mind, I couldn't seem to transfer them to paper. I'm hoping this will change soon and I can once again record the memories and moments that make - and have made - up my life.

I keep saying that I'll be back, and I truly do mean it. Though this summertime path has led me in a different direction than I expected, my return is around the corner and I look forward to the reunion

Childhood Memories

Going back through my archive, I came across this post from last August. It tells a lot about where and who I came from and rereading these poignant memories brings a smile to my heart during these long, hot days. If you can remember, too....wasn't it all wonderful?


I REMEMBER...


Riding on the tractor with my dad in the fields...
Catching tadpoles, and checking each day until they turned into frogs.
Sailing high on the lap of a gunny sack swing...
Watching The Carol Burnett Show on Saturday nights.
Straddling the coolness of our propane tank, pretending it was a horse.
Birthdays of grade school friends I haven't seen in years...
The smell of cool, wet carbon copies...fresh off the machine in the days before Xerox.
When AIDS was dietary chocolate squares, intended to help one lose weight.
The wooden marble game in the children's waiting room at the doctor's office.
My mom and dad, waltzing during The Lawrence Welk Show.
When we had to get up to change the TV channel....and when there were only 3 stations.
Saying "Dibs" to reserve our favorite chair...
How I prayed all summer not to get Mrs. Shirley for 4th grade...and I got her anyway.
The wonderful display of sparkling rings to choose from at the dentist office.
Paying 25 cents a gallon for gasoline up at the county line...
Walking a mile to I - 135 before it opened for traffic...and riding my bike down it with my mother.
When those rubbery shoes known as "flip flops" were called "thongs".
Record players, the Hi-Fi and reel to reel tapes...
How I hated tacos the first time I ate them...yet how I love them now.
Sitting on top of the ice cream bucket to hold it still while my dad turned the crank.
Party lines and rotary phones...
My mother's beautiful, black-lacquered music box.
Richard Chamberlain and Ricky Nelson LP's.
Making forts in the currant bushes in the ditch across the road from our house.
Our bus driver making one ornery boy ride on the steps halfway home from school.
When we could get six ice cream cones at Dairy Queen for a total of 30 cents.
Colorful, knitted ponchos and purple jeans.
Davy Jones and the Monkees.
Wearing dresses every day to school.
The Wonderful World of Disney at 6:00 on Sunday evenings.
Cross-country tennis shoes - the black ones with white stripes.
Fizzies - little flavored tablets you put in water to make it taste (supposedly) like soda pop.
Roller skates with keys...that never seemed to stay on.
Bobby Sherman records made of cardboard on the back of a Raisin Bran box.
Making little dolls from the flowers of old-fashioned HollyHocks.
The BIG snowstorm in the early 70's...walking beside the clothesline on top of the drifts, and getting out of school for a week.
Riding in the back of the grain truck with the grasshoppers.
Playing Barbie's with my sister in the low window of our bedroom on the farm.
Colored cups made of tin - one for each member of the family (mine was dark blue).
Seeing a bright star in the east early one Christmas morning.
My little brother and I sliding across the kitchen floor in our socks.
Making Calico and Numpy books, Julie and I, after our two favorite cats.
Throwing up in kindergarten..and hating that last "airy" taste at the bottom of the milk carton.
Playing in the sprinkler on a hot August afternoon.
Rabbit ears for "great" reception...
When gas stations were called "filling stations"...and they were full service.
Popcorn and no-bake cookies on Sunday nights.
That horrible sounding bell they aired on television during a tornado warning...and my brothers making fun of me because I was terrified of storms.
Showing new puppies to Henry, our rural mailman, when he delivered our mail.
The wonderful tree house my cousin, Joe, built one glorious summer...
The fat tummy chair and the big corner cupboard.
The porch swing under the big elm tree and my mother's beautiful flower garden.
Matching dresses my sister and I wore, especially the one with fuzzy cherry material, a white pleated skirt, and a big red sash.
Sibyl Carey, my mother's dear friend who lived up the road....an artist and poet....my first inspiration.
The wonderful farm where countless memories were made and a family of eight lived, laughed and loved.

We were the richest kids I knew.

Encouragement

It's a silly thing, really. Funny how such little things can make my day and yet, there it was...right under my nose. Insignificant in itself but with a bigger meaning on this day.

It's been hard: moving furniture in hot hallways amidst 100% humidity. We were all tired by 7:00 a.m. and tempers were short as exhaustion coupled with the Kansas heat took their toll. Later we scattered in different directions, one being the gymnasium where I began scraping bleachers and floors in preparation for an upcoming basketball tournament. As I was scrubbing off sticky soda pop under my feet, something caught my eye. There beneath the painted concrete was a distinct and perfectly shaped heart. In other places on the floor, the humidity had raised little circles or irregular shapes, but there was no mistaking this familiar icon; the symbol of love.

On a difficult day it was just the sign I needed. There in the most unexpected place I was reminded that I am loved and that there are so many who hold a place in my heart as well. Something simple, something profound. The greatest of these, the greatest gift.

Even when its found among the bleachers on a dirty gymnasium floor.

Hello World!

Wow. It's been such a long time, or at least it seems like such a long time, since I've written on here and with the lengthiness of my absence, you would think I'd have a lot to say. And I do....
Unfortunately, my time is short and though my minutes are brief, please know that I haven't forgotten all of you who have become a part of my daily thoughts.

This summer has been challenging. I'm up at 5:00 a.m. and here at the school at 6:00. We work 10 hour days so we can have Fridays off (YES). It hasn't been the most pleasant few weeks, and it is hot, hard work. But....each day still brings a kind of joy and how thankful I am to be able to work. Though the days are long, I am blessed to work with a group of fun women who make the hours more bearable and who don't take themselves too seriously in this summer madness!

I do miss checking in with all of you, seeing what is going on in your lives and reading your blogs. My online time is rare, so I try to catch one or two people each time I'm here. I haven't forgotten your friendship and support and promise....PROMISE that I will be back to writing. Until then, to Bonnie, Mellissa, Mike, Clew, Martie, Naive, Cheryl, Pete, Rebecca, Network Chic, Alan, SRP, Nelly, Jacqueline...to anyone I've forgotten, and everyone who may read here, I send my fondest thoughts and wishes of health and happiness to you all and look forward to catching up on a daily basis again.

'Til we meet again....

Another Step

Tonight my son will stand before his classmates, family and teachers as the Salutatorian at his 8th grade promotion. I will watch as his nearly 6'0" frame envelopes the podium and his deep voice echoes through the auditorium. He will read the words he's written around his class motto: "Dreams are not something to wait for, they are something to work for"..... and I'll wonder where the years have gone.

Last August I wrote something similar about the little boy who is quickly growing up. It is bittersweet, watching him change before my eyes. But holding onto something - or someone - only prolongs the inevitable, and guiding him with encouragement into adulthood is both rewarding and fulfilling.

Tonight that perpetual smile will fill my heart once again as a young man steps into the shoes of a small boy, forever altering his path....and forges ahead in a very blessed life.

A repost, my friends....in honor of 'that little boy of mine'.

That Little Boy of Mine...

"A tiny turned-up nose, Two cheeks just like a rose
So sweet from head to toes....that little boy of mine.
Two eyes that shine so bright, Two arms to hold me tight,
Two lips to kiss goodnight....that little boy of mine.

No one will ever know, Just what his coming has meant,
Because we love him so, He must be Heaven-sent...

He climbs up on my knee, He's all the world to me,
To me he'll always be....that little boy of mine..."


He has to lean down to hug me now. A few months ago I could easily slide my arm around his shoulders, accustomed to his childhood voice of the last 13 years. Now the words he says are deeper and from the throes of adolescence. And I wonder where those years have gone.













I wasn't prepared for the absolute delight of having a little boy. My first child, a daughter, was cautious with herself in the world. Though loving and beautiful, she was particular to whom she gave her affections to and carried herself delicately amongst things unknown. Her little brother bore an amazing resemblance to her with his dark eyes and sweet face, but he quickly developed his own personality, endearing him to me and marking his own place in my heart.

I remember holding him close when he was very tiny and him taking my hand and laying it gently upon his cheek. He was so affectionate with a perpetual smile and energy that temporarily came to rest alongside him in bed each night. A sensitive child, he learned early to guard the feelings of others and appreciate what was true and beautiful in life.

He was my helper in the kitchen, my champion brownie-taster. My partner in creepy-crawler-making, he kept me young and enthusiastic with his genuine wonder and excitement over little things.

Always our clown, he soon found that a silly face could bring a reaction, but has - for the most part - used it to entertain only a receptive audience...at appropriate moments!

Like his father and sister, he loves cats and has grown up with at least one curled beside him. And though his volume is turned WAY up more often than not, he seems to know when noise is nuisance rather than necessity... and learned that quiet creatures prefer peace over racket.

Though in many ways he is a "typical boy", he possesses a certain tenderness and a gentle spirit that serves as a guide in how he treats others. His capacity for reading right from wrong is great and his kind and forgiving heart is so very precious.

His babyhood days are vivid: Batman costumes and decorating sugar cookies, "treasure" walks around the neighborhood and refreshing sprinkler runs in the backyard. Swinging on the board swing at Nan and Pop's house, moving to his "big boy bed", that first haircut.....and little black cowboy boots. I feel a little hand in mine and soft kisses upon my cheek at bedtime. I hear sweet songs on cassette tapes and contagious giggling with his big sister. It's hard to see him growing up.

But he is. I cannot stop that...and I wouldn't want to. Just as there were memorable moments from his baby days and childhood, I know that ahead lies many adventures and exciting experiences. I really wouldn't want him to stay little, for I'm enjoying getting to know who he's becoming. The young man who sits beside me today is one I'm very proud of, knowing he is making good decisions and choosing a path that is leading him in the right direction. He is on his way to the wonderful man that I know he will be. I will have to let go, let him fly...and it will be all right. And when he is grown and gone from the nest and the safety of my arms he will still and always be....

That little boy of mine.

Lost

The clock sits in front of me, just to my right. I watch it as the minutes spin faster, telling me my time is limited. It will soon be up and I will have to return to the classroom. Children's footsteps echo down the hallway and their little voices fill the long corridors with laughter. People come in and out of the lab, stopping to talk to me, interrupting the flow of thoughts, then sit down just a few feet away. Bangles clang together, keyboards tap out assignments and requests.....and I am at a loss.

Before my feelings were smooth and in my own time. Now they are scheduled, racing against a clock that taunts me. No photographs lay in a folder to help relay my story. No comfy chair to sit in or familiar surroundings to coax my thoughts along. This room is cold and impersonal, like a contemporary refrigerator box and evokes no memories from my mind.....and I am at a loss.

The hands of time tell me when to go. They dictate when I can write, then I am out of the gate; off to speed down the track to get something out there. But nothing comes. I am a stranger here in this space, with everything to say but with no way to say it.

I keep telling myself I'll be back. But for now, I am lost....

Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday is Mother's Day. As a tribute to my own dear mother, I am reposting something I wrote last summer as I don't have time to do justice to a new writing.

We each come from a long line of people who loved one another, and it is humbling to look back and know that if just one thing had been out of alignment, we wouldn't be here at all.

Wishing you all a wonderful Mother's Day, whether you're a mother yourself, are honoring your own mother or simply know an incredible woman who has brought joy and love into your heart. God bless you all!

Mother's Scrapbook

I have a treasure. Actually, I have many. But this particular one is a tangible, hold-in-my-hand keepsake; a bit of history...a memento of the past. My mother's past.

Inside a worn and faded scrapbook lies pictures...drawings by my mother. On the inside of the embossed cover is the date, November 9, 1943 - the last weeks of Mother's 16th year. The pages, now yellowed, are crisp in my hands and hold priceless illustrations of my grandparents, aunts and uncles; my ancestory in its youth.

My mother grew up in Fredonia, KS...the second daughter and third child in a family of nine children. I believe that during the time of these drawings her beloved brother, "Bud" was serving in the U.S. Army Air Corps, flying across South America, Africa, Agra and India so he was not featured in her pictures. And her baby sister was yet to be born.

Looking at these illustrations transports me to another world: a time before I knew. Here my maternal relatives are children and teenagers, not the middle-aged adults that I first came to know; not the loved ones of present day, or those who have passed on. Their sweet faces and daily life is captured on the pages of my mother's memory. I picture her as she sat on the floor, sketching her siblings much as she sketched my brothers, sisters and me when we were growing up.

Her pictures tell a story of their life together, of little sisters playing marbles on the floor or a Chopsticks duet, her brother relaxing after his paper route and adolescents gathered around the radio, doing stitchery or practicing the latest style in hair of the fashionable 40's.

Mother absolutely adored her brothers and sisters and always loved spending time with the little ones. Being on the older end of the sibling spectrum, one might think she would have tired of them. But being a nurturer was her calling and when she speaks of this time, it is always with the greatest affection.

My grandparents, too, were a great source of strength and love in Mom's life. I have no recollection of my grandfather who passed away when I was very young, but see him through her eyes as a lovely man I wish I'd come to know. My grandmother is remembered as a woman of great strength, optimism and wit. How fortunate to have this peek into their life; the life that Mother knew.

Little did she know, in 1943-44, that the days of the radio, wood stove and crank telephone would be replaced with our modern technology; a world that now revolves faster and speaks louder. It was life as they knew it yet now looking back, it was so extraordinary in its own simplicity.


In the days of digital cameras and of the instantaneous, a fantastic picture is fairly commonplace. We capture the memory on small screens and printed photo paper, and how amazing it is in its clarity and brilliance.
But these illustrations sketched some 60 years ago hold a place of their own. They are not just a representation of what life was, but my mother's interpretation of the moment...her individualized memory.

I think of Mom as a young woman. At the time of these drawings she didn't know my dad yet. She didn't know that she would go on to have six children of her own and twelve grandchildren, all who completely adore her. She passed her love of art down to us all and we continue her legacy in our own unique ways.

These drawings, these people: Charles, Verna, Bud, Betty, Bonnie June, Georgie, Doug, Shirley, Dorothy, Thenie, Nancy... they are part of my life, my history. Thank you for taking me back. How humbling to meet you all...

Once Upon a Love

Once upon a time there was a young girl who fell in love...

We were nothing alike: I was serious, quiet and loved books and art. He was funny, boisterous, an athlete. Still, our foundations were similar and we felt we could build on their solidity, joining our worlds and starting our own, unique family.

He could infuriate me...but he could also make me laugh. It was hard to stay angry in the midst of charming company. His practical nature grounded my romantic soul and he watched over me like a man who adores his wife.

We traveled to Canada and Missouri to fish, and weekends found us huddled in a mass of brush in chilly fall weather. We would sit in the stillness of morning amidst chattering squirrels; waiting for the soft steps of a doe or buck on crisp leaves. A camera was my friend. A rifle was his. We shot baskets at the park and watched the Celtics and Royals on T.V. It was interesting, different, fun. But....it was him.

Years passed swiftly bringing us a precious auburn-haired daughter and an adorable and delightful brown-eyed boy. They turned our world with their joyful antics and for awhile we forgot that there was supposed to be a "You and Me". Life became more about them and less about us, and growth was substituted with sustinence.

Life is a kaleidoscope of color and complexity, swirling around in a tube of ever-changing patterns. I began to find a stranger in the mirror each morning, as if someone had crawled beneath the covers of my existance in the middle of the night and chased the real 'me' away. And when the dust cleared and I stepped back into my life, I was a single mother, checking the ugly title of "divorced" on applications and forms.

It was my idea, the separation. People think that initiating the end makes it easier and pain-free. It seemed that everyone was angry with me as family and friends fell away. They could not see from my perspective and as a result, the light went out in my perfect, unblemished world.

It took years for me to forgive myself; I came from a long line of happy and lasting marriages and knew I had let so many people down. But slowly I made my way back to a place where I was proud of where I stood and content with my life.

Though my former husband and I had some bitterness at first, we sat down together and made choices that would be best for our children and for our own lives. We put aside the pain we both felt to make things right for us all. For us, it was the only option.

Ten years ago we took a terrible road and became lost, going in different directions, unable to find our way back to the same path. But the roads we took separately have led us to a neutral place of understanding and affection that will be with us til the end. We share a past. We share a family. He is still very close to my parents and siblings, and since his own mom and dad are gone, I wouldn't dream of taking away the only parents he now has. He comes to our son's games and to my daughter's programs. He takes them shopping for dress slacks and glittery gold shoes and is a part of many moments of their lives. He sits beside my husband at games where they discuss strategy and talk about their days on the court, and people stare, perplexed that we "work" as a normal and loving family.

Our children are young people who are strong in their identity, knowing who and where they came from and feeling safe in the love we each give them. They've never been asked to choose between us, but know that love is unconditional and has no boundaries. They are bright, intelligent people who are happy and grounded and secure because we have chosen to make their lives so.

It would be easy to drum up the hurtful moments; the things that ate at our marriage and caused it to crumble. But life is too short, too fleeting to be wasted on yesterday's failures. You pick up the pieces and find a way to make them fit. It's new and different from before, but the beauty is still there. It's called forgiveness, love, perseverance....and hope.

Thank You

A heartfelt thank you to all of you who continue to check my blog and who have left comments and emails at my doorstep. It means a great deal to know you are still here, continuing to read and support me.

I'm hoping to get into the computer lab here at school during my lunchbreaks and get back to writing. I have a couple of posts in draft form that include photographs I saved prior to losing our PC. Now that testing with our students is completed, I should be able to get some things posted and move ahead with my writing. That's my hope, anyway!

Bless you all. You're proof that love truly is the greatest of these.

Still here...

The warm winds of summer have been blowing early across Kansas, stirring up dust from dry fields and ushering in temperatures usually reserved for June.
The world has been spinning quickly, filling up my time since I last wrote. My daughter hippity-hopped across the stage in three performances, then said 'good-bye' to this year's play in anticipation of her first prom. Track season began for my son as he races in the mile; a 'high-profile-vehicle' running against the strong Kansas winds! I met up with my youngest step-daughter; a college sophmore trying to figure out her future as her dad and I joined her for lunch on a nice day off. We traveled down to Oklahoma for another daughter's wedding and watched as she stepped over the threshold to begin a new family of her own. Easter brought lilies and worship, colorful eggs, chocolate rabbits and a loving gathering. With teenagers in the house now, the Easter bunny skipped right over us, perhaps being overwhelmed himself with life's turns and busyness.
My prairie has changed from washes of gray to waving green wheat and blue skies, and despite the drought we are in, life is beginning anew. The past few days have brought five baby kittens as well as two new sheep: an FFA project for my sensitive daughter who will have a hard time selling them at the county fair. Life holds up her gallant chin...and time marches on.
Despite our hectic spring, my absence is really due to something else. Right after my last post, we lost our computer to a terrific electrical storm. Though I have access to a computer here at school, my time is limited. Most days, as soon as I finish in the classroom, I clock in for custodial work. Then it's home to family and chores. With many other financial obligations, it may be some time before we can afford a new computer and I can begin posting as I once did. I'm sad at the loss of my photographs and the luxury of both writing for myself and reading all of your wonderful posts. There's definitely a void where that colorful part once was.
Until it's resolved, I'll be filling my days with school and home, meetings and banquets, the loveliness of May and my son's 8th grade promotion. Thank you so much for remembering my "place" and for your kind and caring comments. I think of you all often and hope that the sun is shining brightly on each of your paths.
A hug and a prayer....I will be back.